she gives me money when i'm in need

i always have so much to say and no patience to write it all down

1. i drink too much. but i don't care.
2. i wish i could commit to something legitimate in as dedicated a way as i have to Friends
3. i really miss marcus
4. it's my baby love chris water's birthday
5. i have severe ADHD
6. i don't miss driving
7. i'm in love and it's really boring and trying and i wish he was my boyfriend i think.

i'm curious about the human body

I'm drunk and have a lot to say.




1. I hate walking up my hill
2. I am very concerned I may know Friends as well/better than The Office
3. I've gained a lot of weight in a year
4. I don't feel comfortable telling anyone all of my feelings
5. I wish I had a boyfriend
6. I know I'm not in a place to have a healthy relationship
7. I'm ronery.
8. I second guess myself a lot lately


I hope this blog will help me be more honest with my feelings. (aka a big ole girl)

bye bye schtuff.

If you ever need inspiration to organize/get rid of stuff, watch Hoarders while you clean.


This has been a weird week. I'm moving home from SF back to Hayward, due to bad planning on my part of spreading out my loan money. I can move back out when this coming school year's money comes, but that won't happen till late Aug/early Sept. So I'm officially back with my parents. I spent all day cleaning every corner of this room/bathroom so when I go to move out again, it'll be quick and easy. To be honest, though, it's a little bit of a relief to be back home. That will die out quickly, I'm positive of that. But little things like having a fridge with food I didn't pay for but can eat will be a nice break. I know I was only "on my own" for 6 months, but I learned a LOT. A lot a lot. And it was like a nice trial period, because now when I move out again, I know what I want and most importantly, what I don't want. I know that I CAN be independent and WANT to be.

It was so weird to go through so much old stuff today while cleaning. I found so much hilarious stuff from high school, like a great stack of detentions from myself and some friends, that just reminded me about how serious problems are in the past that bear SO LITTLE on the present. I found my "Boyfriend Box", with so many ridiculous notes and knick knacks that I can't even pinpoint their meaning, but would never dare throw away. Old projects and homework assignments.. and 90's Nick being back on just juxtaposes middle school/high school Carissa with me now. I won't go into detail about how much I've changed and grown, blah blah blah, I'm mainly just posting this rambling post as a timestamp for the beginning of what is yet to come. I will be more clear and concise as I get back into the hang of this.

and there's no way her love's as good as mine.

everyone. EVERYONE. every single one.

JODD

I have a lot to offer.

I have a lot of great qualities, and I am funny. I'm smart. And incredibly loving. I don't judge or fake feelings.

I am good at what I do, if you know what I mean.

And I will be patient because I know I am going to find someone so amazing and who loves me so much.

I will be really lucky one day.

it's times like these you learn to love again

:))) i really luck out sometimes.


Yesterday was an awesome day. I spent all day hanging out with a really good friend, drinking beers, being kids. No drama, no serious talks, no concerns about money or work or my frightening tickets-- just laughs and cigarettes and the pool and gawking at cute married men. We both agreed that we felt like summer was finally here. And I think it was because we both knew that Fall brings change, brings new levels of maturity, brings colder weather. We didn't have to talk about the fact that he'd be leaving, or that another dear friend would, or about my scramble for tuition or stress of work. We lived in Today. It was a rare experience with a very unique friend :)

I spent a portion of my evening with another good, even older friend. And it made me cherish those people in your life whom no matter how much time goes by, you can catch up and it's as if time never passed. I've known her since I was 15 years old, and although we've obviously grown and changed and matured, we understand each other the same way we always have, and have fun and exciting conversations like we were in high school again. I cherish that conversation, because it was reassuring to know besides hanging out for parties or crazy escapades, we can sit at her kitchen table with her mom and watch them yell at each other and I felt at home <3

I'm not prepared to talk about the rest of my evening, but all I can say is wow. I'm so fluttery and confused and warm and I hope its the beginning of something really cool.

OH YEAH and my Grandma sent me a book called The Road to Woodstock by Michael Lang. Fuck it was a good day.

my soul will have to wait

Dear Carissa,

challenging your beliefs is different from CONTRADICTING THEM.

desire is often much stronger than understanding/compassion/moderation/virtue.

i need to stop acting like a 12 year old boy