and there's no way her love's as good as mine.

everyone. EVERYONE. every single one.

JODD

I have a lot to offer.

I have a lot of great qualities, and I am funny. I'm smart. And incredibly loving. I don't judge or fake feelings.

I am good at what I do, if you know what I mean.

And I will be patient because I know I am going to find someone so amazing and who loves me so much.

I will be really lucky one day.

it's times like these you learn to love again

:))) i really luck out sometimes.


Yesterday was an awesome day. I spent all day hanging out with a really good friend, drinking beers, being kids. No drama, no serious talks, no concerns about money or work or my frightening tickets-- just laughs and cigarettes and the pool and gawking at cute married men. We both agreed that we felt like summer was finally here. And I think it was because we both knew that Fall brings change, brings new levels of maturity, brings colder weather. We didn't have to talk about the fact that he'd be leaving, or that another dear friend would, or about my scramble for tuition or stress of work. We lived in Today. It was a rare experience with a very unique friend :)

I spent a portion of my evening with another good, even older friend. And it made me cherish those people in your life whom no matter how much time goes by, you can catch up and it's as if time never passed. I've known her since I was 15 years old, and although we've obviously grown and changed and matured, we understand each other the same way we always have, and have fun and exciting conversations like we were in high school again. I cherish that conversation, because it was reassuring to know besides hanging out for parties or crazy escapades, we can sit at her kitchen table with her mom and watch them yell at each other and I felt at home <3

I'm not prepared to talk about the rest of my evening, but all I can say is wow. I'm so fluttery and confused and warm and I hope its the beginning of something really cool.

OH YEAH and my Grandma sent me a book called The Road to Woodstock by Michael Lang. Fuck it was a good day.

my soul will have to wait

Dear Carissa,

challenging your beliefs is different from CONTRADICTING THEM.

desire is often much stronger than understanding/compassion/moderation/virtue.

i need to stop acting like a 12 year old boy

music make me lose control

i like music. fine. but i've never been one of those people that are like "i'd die without music" or "i live for music" or whatever. i've always thought music is fun and helpful in life, but not the end all to my existence. and i'm starting to realize slowly just how integral to my life music really is. i can attribute more than one friendship to music- just the sheer act of bonding over tunes we love has resulted in one of my best friends. and music to help reconnect- i attribute music nearly 100% of why a friend of mine stayed close for so long and are reconnecting now. music makes people fall in love, and it heals heartbreak. it calms hysteria, pacifies madness, and excites happiness. thank you, all music, for the friendships i have, the lover's i've taken, and the memories i've made.

our eyes are open, our eyes are open

this was my final for writing and performing monologues

I want to be a hippie. I know what you’re thinking—I’m a teenager full of angst and wanting sex and drugs and social disruption. Or to go braless or stop shaving or something. It’s not about that. It’s about having a time and a place to be free. Sometimes I sit in my room and listen to Creedence or the Stones or Jimi and I close my eyes and dream—dream that I was lying under the stars with friends, with brothers and sisters. Or under a hot sun, naked, with someone I love, someone I trust. Anywhere but here. I want to walk down the street and not have to hang my head but smile, say hi, approach someone and tell them I love you for being alive and having fingernails and laugh lines and belly buttons and; could you imagine that world? Where you love everyone just because of the miracle it is that they are alive? I wouldn’t feel so alone here. My family doesn’t show affection. I don’t even think my mom knows my dad’s favorite color. No ones knows anyone anymore. It’s because no one cares about anyone anymore. I mean, I want to meet someone and have them ask something other than “what do you do?” Ask me, “what’s your favorite kind of ice cream?” “ what is your favorite song to sing?” “what makes you happy?” I want to be a hippie because I want to know people. In the 60’s people did everything they could to get closer to each other. They would trip just to become one with the grass, the sky, their fellow man. And the sex—I mean—what better way to know someone than to be inside them? It wasn’t about getting fucked up or fucking, it was about a need and desire for love, however you can find it. I want to love so hard that there’s literally no room for anything else. I’m sick of the superficial. None of the formalities, the forced laughter, the bullshit. This is ridiculous from this moment on, I will love harder than Janis loved Southern Comfort, I will love harder than Dr. Leary loved acid, I will love harder than the Manson girls loved Charlie. I don’t need the sixties to be free. It started with love, and it can start with me. Peace, brother.

wow

heartbreak hotel

i'm bored and i'm lonely and i'm frustrated and i want it to be LAST summer. why did you stop loving me?

i think of you and let it go

i feel so good about my life. two different boys are helping me in ways they would never know. i just have to find a balance. yay for me.

all i need from you now is to wake up and see

i realized something. the characteristic i am the most attracted to. talent. i am attracted to talent. more than anything else i think. i'm sitting in my creating and writing monologues class watching this guy who's a playwright perform this monologue he wrote about the summers he used to share with friends. and as i watch him, there's no one more beautiful on the planet than him. this is why i find him so gorgeous, this is why i'm in loove with sidney, this is why i'm friends with marcus and interested in new josh and dated old josh. there's something so intoxicating about watching someone perform. do something they love so deeply-- and to do it well. there's nothing that compares to that kind of passion. any other job; i can't imagine watching someone make sales calls to be as passionate. or someone making spreadsheets or cold calling or whatever. to watch someone sing, or act, or play... it's so sexy and vulnerable and romantic that i get drunk off being a part of that passion. we all look for things in others that we think we lack in ourselves... my own insecurities about my talent might add to why i thrive off what i find amazing. it's REALLY not about me being a groupie. i don't like talent because i like success or find popularity attractive. i just want to be with someone who is as willing to put themselves out there, be honest and self-confident and motivated and lovely. i love that person.

always something there to remind me

i rarely feel like something existential is going on, but wow. thanks to whoever's got my back, i deserve this. thanks for noticing.

no one's gonna take me alive

i feeling so good right now. i think this could actually work. maybe i just have too much good chemicals in me but i'm so content laaaaaaaaaaaaaaahve

here i go again

wow i still really, really miss josh.

busted flat in baton rouge

two things.

a. am i shitty? i haven't got called back or cast in anything in a long time. maybe it's bad luck. or maybe i suck and no one will tell me.

b. why does my new crush have to be named josh?! this isn't fair.

actually i have several thoughts

c. i LOVE my job. babies are the best things in the whole universe

d. i play "when i am skinny" with myself and sarah several times daily. but i really think that it's become "when" and not "if" and i can't wait till im skinny.

e. ladies night is the BEST THING EVER

f. i've been SOO busy. i love it. except i hate how messy my room is.

g. i LOVE andie. she's just the most amazing person ever. :)


i think that's all thank you for reading

movin on up

SFBayArea sent me a message saying "we good 4 a date?"


yes. definitely.

alvin!

i just feel old and fat. like someone's mother.

dreamlover

all the songs make sense

we're gonna have a good time

birthdays are really a good time to see who really cares about you.

and the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again

you never know when life is gonna throw you on its back and fly away. yay for me.

yes yes you're gonna lose that girl

i'm a seagull. i'm an actress. I'm the seagull.

sorry i can not hear you i'm kinda busy

i'm sick of fixing things for everyone. stop being melodramatic and get over your fucking drama.

everybody's going down down

maybe i'll be in the third revival

waiting for my rocket

i bought two things of hand soap at safeway. 99 cents each.

i'm putting them aside.

they're the first things i bought for my new apartment that doesn't exist yet.

you've already won me over

via postsecret.


this brings back quite a disturbing past.


and i'm only 20.







thanks baby, for holding my hand.

diamonds are a girl's best friend

I want a wedding SOOOO BADDDD.

I wish you could have weddings for other reasons. Carrie on Sex and the City had it right-- there's no equivalent celebration for someone to a wedding. Getting a new house, a birthday, graduation, having a baby-- nothing receives as much detail, money, and quantity of celebrations (bachelor/ette parties, wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, let alone the wedding and reception itself). I guess it makes sense, since in theory you get one in your life and it is considered a goal for all to reach. But it seems unfair to those who never find that someone, don't find it till much later in life, or just don't want to get married. Why is legally sharing yourself and your property the most revered occasion in our society? I guess part of the reason I'm bitter is because I want to plan a wedding, but I'm obviously not ready to get married yet. But it does seem strange when you think about it.

i'm lost for words

I am so in love.

Truly, fully, consumingly, in love.

I want to shout it from the mountaintops.

My only reservation is from fear that I won't always be this happy. I know that I'm young, but it took me a LONG time to find this happiness, and I'd hate having to do it again.

I hope it is possible to always be this satisfied in a relationship.